{"id":2255,"date":"2022-07-30T20:41:08","date_gmt":"2022-07-30T20:41:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/recovhercounselling.ca\/?p=2255"},"modified":"2022-07-31T08:15:43","modified_gmt":"2022-07-31T08:15:43","slug":"lets-talk-about-boundaries","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/recovhercounselling.ca\/?p=2255","title":{"rendered":"Let&#8217;s Talk About Boundaries"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"2255\" class=\"elementor elementor-2255\" data-elementor-post-type=\"post\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<section class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-5f662381 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"5f662381\" data-element_type=\"section\" data-e-type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-background-overlay\"><\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-68a6b6df\" data-id=\"68a6b6df\" data-element_type=\"column\" data-e-type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-7d009757 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"7d009757\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-e-type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<p><\/p>\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-2178\" src=\"https:\/\/recovhercounselling.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/pexels-du\u031bo\u031bng-nha\u0302n-1477538-1024x683.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"500\" height=\"333\" srcset=\"https:\/\/recovhercounselling.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/pexels-du\u031bo\u031bng-nha\u0302n-1477538-1024x683.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/recovhercounselling.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/pexels-du\u031bo\u031bng-nha\u0302n-1477538-300x200.jpg 300w, https:\/\/recovhercounselling.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/pexels-du\u031bo\u031bng-nha\u0302n-1477538-768x512.jpg 768w, https:\/\/recovhercounselling.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/pexels-du\u031bo\u031bng-nha\u0302n-1477538-1536x1024.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/recovhercounselling.ca\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/07\/pexels-du\u031bo\u031bng-nha\u0302n-1477538-2048x1365.jpg 2048w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\" \/><\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Boundaries\u2014if you think about it, nearly every aspect of our interpersonal relationships hinge on them.\u00a0 They are the pillar of healthy relationship dynamics and yet, they can be incredibly difficult to establish.\u00a0 Settle in because this is a longer post, worthy of its\u2019 space.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<p>When it comes to setting boundaries, we\u2019re not just talking about \u2018physical\u2019 ones; there\u2019s also intellectual, emotional, sexual, material and boundaries of time.\u00a0 Do you know what your boundary style is?\u00a0 As a mental health professional, I want to ensure that you have a clear understanding of your boundary style and how it is impacting both your relationships and mental health.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<p><strong>Healthy Boundaries:<\/strong>\u00a0 These are the gold standard that we all strive to have but guess what, they aren\u2019t always consistent and that\u2019s OK!\u00a0 It\u2019s important to have flexibility in how much we are willing to give and receive in our relationships.\u00a0 This makes more sense when you think of it from a perspective of trust.\u00a0 Some markers of have healthy boundaries include:<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Valuing your own opinions, wants and needs just as much as you would a close friend or family member<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>You feel comfortable saying \u201cno\u201d or negotiating on your own behalf<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>You feel comfortable communicating your needs for personal space and your comfort with physical affection<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><\/p>\n<p><strong>Under-Bounded:\u00a0 <\/strong>Think of the passive, \u201cpeace keeper\u201d; you have a reputation of being nice but it can often come at a detriment.\u00a0 Ever heard the saying \u201cif you are everything to everyone, you become nothing to yourself\u201d?\u00a0 You have the tendency to give too much away and have difficulty saying no.\u00a0 You might even display this physically in your posture (i.e. flaccid muscles, sunken shoulders).\u00a0 Some of the key indicators of an under-bounded style includes:<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Difficulty making decisions (torn between your self-interest and the wants of others)<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Often saying \u201cyes\u201d when you wish you could say \u201cno\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Feeling resentful and taken advantage of<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Often experience a fear of abandonment in your relationships<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Striving to earn the other\u2019s approval and commitment on a daily basis.<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><\/p>\n<p><strong>Over-Bounded: <\/strong>If you are more in this camp, folks might experience you as guarded or rigid.\u00a0 You often say \u201cno\u201d to others and have a hard time saying \u201cyes\u201d. Opening yourself up to potential vulnerability is scary and out of your comfort zone!\u00a0 You are the self-reliant partner who struggles with trust and intimacy.\u00a0 Other key markers of an over-bounded style include:<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Feeling discomfort with emotional closeness and being in the presence of other\u2019s emotions<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Difficulty accepting help from others<\/strong><\/li>\n<li><strong>Valuing a lot of distance and space in your relationships<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><\/p>\n<p><strong>Pendulum Boundaries: <\/strong>Yup, just like a pendulum, you switch between under and over-bounded boundaries (it\u2019s exhausting but guess what, you\u2019re not alone!).\u00a0 A common example of this is when we start out being the \u201cpeople pleaser\u201d and continue to deny our own self-interest as we tend to the interests of others.\u00a0 Spoiler alert, we can often only handle that for so long!\u00a0 Resentment starts to ramp up and we tighten up and begin to shut people out.\u00a0 This leaves the other person confused and can lead to more conflict.\u00a0 Have you ever been in a new relationship where you craved emotional closeness, then bam once you have it, you start to feel vulnerable and push that person away?\u00a0 It\u2019s one of the most cruel forms but we can work through it!\u00a0 If you answered \u201cyes\u201d to both under and over-bounded indicators above, this could be your domain.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<p><strong>So, where do we go from here?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<ol>\n<li>Identifying your boundary style is the first step.\u00a0\u00a0<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<p>2. Next, we tune into ourselves a little more.\u00a0 The next time a situation arises where you find yourself going against your own values, notice it and mark it down.\u00a0 At the end of the week, take inventory on how many times you felt this incongruence.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<p>3. Thereafter, start small.\u00a0 What\u2019s the one area you want to begin to feel more empowered and congruent with your boundaries?\u00a0 Perhaps it\u2019s being able to set limitations at work. \u00a0Communicate your needs in an Intimate relationship.\u00a0 Set limits on the amount of time you devote to extended family.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>4. Try this method: <strong>Recognize&#8211;Express&#8211;Divvy it up (RED)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Recognize your role:<\/strong> &#8220;It&#8217;s important for me to acknowledge that I have been holding back my feelings for awhile and so, you might feel caught off guard.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Express the issue<\/strong>:\u00a0 &#8220;I notice that when we have plans together, you are often late and then want to extend our plans to make up for the lost time.\u00a0 I have other commitments and\u00a0 it makes me feel like you don&#8217;t value my time.&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>Divvy it up:<\/strong> &#8220;Are there ways that would make it easier for us to check-in if one of us is late or if we need to reschedule?&#8221;<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<p>5. Finally, practice it a few different ways so that you are prepared and feel comfortable with your phrasing; Let\u2019s face it, you are reading this because setting boundaries is challenging!\u00a0 Don&#8217;t expect it to be perfect (there will likely be some push back and thats ok!) we are going for progress not perfection.\u00a0 Keep watering that seed and let your truth be known.\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\n<p>Remember, you are doing this hard work now because <strong>you are teaching others how to treat you.<\/strong>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>\u00a0<\/p>\n<p>Don\u2019t expect that people know how you want to be treated.\u00a0 Be explicit and give other\u2019s the benefit of the doubt\u2014it\u2019s a great antidote to resentment.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n<p><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u00a0 Boundaries\u2014if you think about it, nearly every aspect of our interpersonal relationships hinge on them.\u00a0 They are the pillar of healthy relationship dynamics and yet, they can be incredibly difficult to establish.\u00a0 Settle in because this is a longer post, worthy of its\u2019 space.\u00a0 \u00a0 When it comes to setting boundaries, we\u2019re not just [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2178,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"boxed-container","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"enabled","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center 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