Boundaries—if you think about it, nearly every aspect of our interpersonal relationships hinge on them. They are the pillar of healthy relationship dynamics and yet, they can be incredibly difficult to establish. Settle in because this is a longer post, worthy of its’ space.
When it comes to setting boundaries, we’re not just talking about ‘physical’ ones; there’s also intellectual, emotional, sexual, material and boundaries of time. Do you know what your boundary style is? As a mental health professional, I want to ensure that you have a clear understanding of your boundary style and how it is impacting both your relationships and mental health.
Healthy Boundaries: These are the gold standard that we all strive to have but guess what, they aren’t always consistent and that’s OK! It’s important to have flexibility in how much we are willing to give and receive in our relationships. This makes more sense when you think of it from a perspective of trust. Some markers of have healthy boundaries include:
- Valuing your own opinions, wants and needs just as much as you would a close friend or family member
- You feel comfortable saying “no” or negotiating on your own behalf
- You feel comfortable communicating your needs for personal space and your comfort with physical affection
Under-Bounded: Think of the passive, “peace keeper”; you have a reputation of being nice but it can often come at a detriment. Ever heard the saying “if you are everything to everyone, you become nothing to yourself”? You have the tendency to give too much away and have difficulty saying no. You might even display this physically in your posture (i.e. flaccid muscles, sunken shoulders). Some of the key indicators of an under-bounded style includes:
- Difficulty making decisions (torn between your self-interest and the wants of others)
- Often saying “yes” when you wish you could say “no”
- Feeling resentful and taken advantage of
- Often experience a fear of abandonment in your relationships
- Striving to earn the other’s approval and commitment on a daily basis.
Over-Bounded: If you are more in this camp, folks might experience you as guarded or rigid. You often say “no” to others and have a hard time saying “yes”. Opening yourself up to potential vulnerability is scary and out of your comfort zone! You are the self-reliant partner who struggles with trust and intimacy. Other key markers of an over-bounded style include:
- Feeling discomfort with emotional closeness and being in the presence of other’s emotions
- Difficulty accepting help from others
- Valuing a lot of distance and space in your relationships
Pendulum Boundaries: Yup, just like a pendulum, you switch between under and over-bounded boundaries (it’s exhausting but guess what, you’re not alone!). A common example of this is when we start out being the “people pleaser” and continue to deny our own self-interest as we tend to the interests of others. Spoiler alert, we can often only handle that for so long! Resentment starts to ramp up and we tighten up and begin to shut people out. This leaves the other person confused and can lead to more conflict. Have you ever been in a new relationship where you craved emotional closeness, then bam once you have it, you start to feel vulnerable and push that person away? It’s one of the most cruel forms but we can work through it! If you answered “yes” to both under and over-bounded indicators above, this could be your domain.
So, where do we go from here?
- Identifying your boundary style is the first step.
2. Next, we tune into ourselves a little more. The next time a situation arises where you find yourself going against your own values, notice it and mark it down. At the end of the week, take inventory on how many times you felt this incongruence.
3. Thereafter, start small. What’s the one area you want to begin to feel more empowered and congruent with your boundaries? Perhaps it’s being able to set limitations at work. Communicate your needs in an Intimate relationship. Set limits on the amount of time you devote to extended family.
4. Try this method: Recognize–Express–Divvy it up (RED)
- Recognize your role: “It’s important for me to acknowledge that I have been holding back my feelings for awhile and so, you might feel caught off guard.”
- Express the issue: “I notice that when we have plans together, you are often late and then want to extend our plans to make up for the lost time. I have other commitments and it makes me feel like you don’t value my time.”
- Divvy it up: “Are there ways that would make it easier for us to check-in if one of us is late or if we need to reschedule?”
5. Finally, practice it a few different ways so that you are prepared and feel comfortable with your phrasing; Let’s face it, you are reading this because setting boundaries is challenging! Don’t expect it to be perfect (there will likely be some push back and thats ok!) we are going for progress not perfection. Keep watering that seed and let your truth be known.
Remember, you are doing this hard work now because you are teaching others how to treat you.
Don’t expect that people know how you want to be treated. Be explicit and give other’s the benefit of the doubt—it’s a great antidote to resentment.