We have all likely tried to verse ourselves in tips and strategies for setting boundaries; in fact, I have a blog post that focuses on just that! Truth be told, setting boundaries is one of the most difficult things you will do throughout your lifetime; not for everyone, but for most of us.
It can be said that boundaries are a privilege of the privileged—your experience with setting them is impacted by your race, social class, gender, and upbringing. Some of us have been nurtured to feel empowered and supported in setting a boundary from a young age; however, for most of us, the messaging around setting a boundary and saying “no” equated to disapproval, guilt, shame and negative perceptions in the eyes of others. We carry that narrative into adulthood and anticipate significant backlash or discomfort if we try to hold the line.
Here’s the thing, the people who object to your having boundaries, are the same individuals who have benefitted from you not having any. Let that simmer. If you have ever dealt with a defensive or narcissistic person, chances are, they weren’t listening to you when you tried to assert a boundary. Instead, they focused on personalizing what you were saying and crafting a response because the focus was on getting their needs met. It might have sounded something like “I only did that because you ….” or they might have engaged in passive aggressive tactics such as ghosting or the silent treatment as a means of punishment.
When people respond in an unhealthy way to a reasonable boundary that you are trying to establish for your own health and well-being, it is typically a sign that you needed to set limits a long time ago. Moreso, their unhealthy response is a red flag that signals a need to re-evaluate the relationship altogether and determine whether or not it is capable of meeting your needs.
Of course, the key is to set boundaries early on in our relationships; but here’s the rub, most of us are here because we are in the thick of it. We are already enmeshed in relationships that have us self-silencing and constricting our own feelings in the attempt to avoid conflict. We have already set a tone of passive compliance or, we have masked this compliance with a pseudo-personality where the other person just views us as ‘easy going’. Chances are, you are feeling burned out and resentful. That’s ok, let that be some dirt to plant this seed in. It starts now.
The first step does not always have to be verbal; in fact, sometimes the standard means of articulating and expressing your feelings with short and explicit “I-statements” is not a realistic first step. This is particularly true when dealing with a defensive or toxic personality. Here are a couple of small ways that you can begin to exercise a boundary even if you lack that “privilege”.
- Give yourself permission to leave when a conversation becomes taxing for your mental health. You can still be respectful, and allow yourself to make a graceful exit.
- Use silence. Although its uncomfortable, and we naturally want to create peace and comfort in our interactions, resist the urge! Let there be silence. This can be useful when someone pushes a task on you. For example, that friend that volunteers you to watch her kids tomorrow night. Let there be an awkward silence, it won’t go unnoticed. You might even get a “you don’t mind, do you?” That’s a key indicator in itself that the person is aware that they are pressing a boundary.
The end goal, is to become comfortable with your own discomfort. Learning to be okay with feelings of guilt…FEEL IT….it will pass. It might take 30 minutes, it might take 30 hours but likely, that feeling of guilt will be replaced with feelings of relief.
Remember, this is about short-term pain, for long term gain and like most investments, it doesn’t come without sweat equity—you are investing in yourself.
Lastly, sometimes, we need a bit more help in this area and this is where therapy can play a crucial role in creating positive change. If you would like to work with a therapist on establishing healthy boundaries in your relationships, I invite you to book your free consultation now.